Rules for Cats who have a
House to Run...
I. DOORS: Do not allow
closed doors in any room. To get door
opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with
forepaws. Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use
it. After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in
and out and think about
several things. This is particularly
important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Swinging doors are to be
avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a
quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get
to an Oriental rug. If
there is no Oriental rug, shag is
good. When throwing up on the
carpet, make sure you back up so that it
is as long as the human's
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany
guests to the bathroom. It
is not necessary to do anything -- just
sit and stare.
IV. HAMPERING: If one
of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and the other is idle, stay with
the busy one. This is
called "helping", otherwise known as
"hampering". Following are the
rules for "hampering":
- a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind
the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better
chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
- b) For book readers, get in close under the
chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book
- c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie
on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the
work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so
often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may
try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the
humans may tell you.
- d) For people paying bills (monthly
activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity),
keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked
on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When
activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
- e) When a human is holding the newspaper in
front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to
V. WALKING: As often as
possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human,
especially: on stairs, when they have
something in their arms, in the dark, and
when they first get up in
the morning. This will help their
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on
the human at night so she/he cannot move around.
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