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Rules for Cats who have a House to Run...
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  I.  DOORS:  Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get door
opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about
several things.  This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be
avoided at all costs.
 
  II.  CHAIRS AND RUGS:  If you have to throw up, get to a chair
quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If
there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.  When throwing up on the
carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's
bare foot.
 

  III.  BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It
is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
  
  IV.  HAMPERING:  If one of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is
called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".  Following are the
rules for "hampering":
 

 
  V.  WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have
something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in
the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
  
  VI.  BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so she/he cannot move around.
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