"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program"
by Dave Barry from his  new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"

1. Examine the software packaging until you find  a little printed
box that explains what kind of  computer system you need to run the software.

It should look something like this:

3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in  the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
that says:


By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
and such other terms  & conditions, real and imaginary, as the
Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive,
as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it,
until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by thedawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great
crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say,  "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine  your system to see what
would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:

+-------+      +--------+
|  YES        |SURE |
+-------+      +--------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding  and
whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God
knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter
molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has
been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food

At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive
and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:


The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
software. If you experience any  problems, electrical shocks,
insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal
parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!#$_$*^^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck
with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain
to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
through 12.